On Leaving

 Dear Wynter,

    So this is it. 

    The first post of shadow work, the first attempt at trying to heal and get things together. I have no idea where to start. There are so many things I could think of, am thinking of, and it's so overwhelming that I almost can't do it. My brain is trying to pull away, to sink back down into that empty void of dissociation, so that I don't have to deal with this. I want to run away, in so many ways I want to run away.

    We always want to run. At first, I though it was just because that was our personality. We're Aquarius, an Air sign, meaning we're always moving, always flowing to someplace new. But that's not just it, I think. I think we're never satisfied with where we are. I don't know if we'd ever recognize being satisfied with something if we even were.

    We've never been able to belong, and maybe that's one of the reasons we move around so much. We're searching for someplace, for someone, hell maybe someones that don't make us feel like we're drowning. People either expect us to be someone we just can't be, or they just forget about us. There's a gaping chasm between you and everyone else, and you can feel it in your bones that you don't belong. You might have belonged for a little while, but every time you try to be the person you so desperately want you can feel them step further away. Lj said that I push people away, and maybe I do. But I can't figure out how to explain to them that I don't do it entirely on purpose. I can feel this distance between me and other people and I would rather walk away than keep reaching out and hoping that they will keep loving me, even when I change. That's what it feels like sometimes, too. Like every step I take towards my authentic self I get further away from the people I called my friends. I say that they will always be my best friends and that I know I can always come back to them if I really wanted to and put forth the effort, but would they? Would they really still be there? Would I have enough in common with them that I'd still be able to talk to them? Would I make choices that they would be disappointed in me for? There is always some part of me that I have to hide away, to avoid making someone upset, and i hate it. I want to leave so badly. I'm so afraid to leave.

    I can't leave yet, I did promise a year to White Rock, and I do need to try and save up money. But I think at the end of 2022, I'm going to go back to ACE. I want to feel like I'm doing something important, and with ACE I felt that. I went to sleep every night on hitch like I accomplished something, even if it was a small task, even if the work was grueling. That exhaustion came from hard work and even after six months I loved it. 

    I'm angry that I gave that up. I'm angry at myself for giving up something I loved for a person. I'm angry that I had to choose between a person and what I loved doing. I'm angry that almost a year after choosing that person I'm realizing I still don't love them. I'm angry that I do love them and I'm angry that I don't love them enough for this to work. Most of all. I'm angry that no matter what I do, it's going to hurt. If I stay, I'll just keep resenting that I made this choice to stay, to try and be their happiness, to be the partner that they deserve but who I don't think I can be. If I stay it'll be at a dead end job that exhausts me and I won't excel in because it really isn't what I want to do with my life. If I stay I will still be tied to something that isn't healthy for me, for either of us. But if I leave, I will be the bad guy. I will be that person who abandoned their partner, after promising I stayed. I will be the one who wasted everyone's time, yet again, and they will resent me for it no matter how much they say they support my decision. 

    I don't want to hurt my partner. I know that I'm currently hurting them. I know that I am so tired of giving up myself to make others happy. 

    I don't know what to do.