Dear Wynter,

    So today we finally deleted the group chat - the one with the girls. It was a long time coming I think, though I'm still not really sure how I feel about it. How is one supposed to feel when they face the elephant in the room? I don't think I feel sad though, or at least not as sad as I was expecting. I think there is the feeling of resolution, like closing the back cover on a really good book.

    That sounds like a pretty good analogy of it, actually. You know the story is over and done with, which is sad, because now you won't ever be able to experience it again for the first time. But it will still be there, long after you have moved on and found a different story to keep you company. You can always come back to it from time to time and remember it fondly, maybe even pick it up and rifle through it. The memories and emotions you have will be there to comfort you, even if the characters are not (and even if you are a little sad about that, it's okay). 

    Still, it's always sad to realize that who you used to be and who you are now are so fundamentally different that you've outgrown the people from your life in the past. Catherine and Kayla will always be important people in my life, I think, and I will always wish for nothing but their happiness. But I don't think I can be more than just a friend to them anymore. We live incredibly different lives and our friendship has been starting to feel more and more one sided over the years. I don't blame them for it, and I don't think I want to ever resent them for something that isn't their fault, but it's a boundary I need to put for myself. 

    I hope it's a reasonable boundary - there was always this nagging suspicion growing up that when it came down to it people would always choose the next best thing. I know that I am not the best person or the best friend in the world. I am standoffish and shy and getting older has only made it harder to connect with people. More often than not I live in daydreams because they are easier to deal with. I bottle up my emotions and don't reach out because I would rather make someone else happy than ever be a burden or seen as weak. I am riddled with so much social anxiety I can't even speak from fear of being rejected most of the time. There was so much of myself that I cut out or buried so deep inside that I am only now figuring out who I am as a person and reteaching myself how to cope.

    I still give so much more than I should in the desperate hope that I'm wrong, that my fears are all in my head and that my friends do care about me and that everything is okay. I cling so tightly and every time I am proven right, it hurts just a little bit more. I didn't realize how angry that had made me, for a very long time. And that feeling isn't just in regards to Catherine and Kayla, either. I think I feel that way about a lot of people in my life. There are so many people in my life that meant the world to me, who helped shape my life and who I want to always be a part of it in some way. There is nothing more that I want in this lifetime than for those people I love to wholly accept me and love me in return. But I don't think that they can do that, not in the way I want or need, at least. 

    You can't pour from an empty cup, and after pouring out so much of myself to be who others needed or wanted me to be, there isn't much left. I don't think I can give people the emotional support that they don't give to me when I really need it. Sure that might not be fair, friends are supposed to be there for you when you ask, but it's not fair to let people make me feel like a burden. I am not an easy person to help - I am angry and sad and loud and most often bullheaded when I know what I need to do but don't want to do it. When my emotions reach a breaking point, they are violent and scary. I want to die a lot. It's an ugly truth that not many people in my life want to face, or are even emotionally equipped to face. But it is a truth nonetheless and it isn't wrong of me to want someone to just offer words of kindness or acknowledgement. Especially when I see them give it so easily to others.

    I guess that's really why I decided to finally bite the bullet and just delete the group text with Catherine and Kayla. I should have done it a year ago, when I first felt like I was being ghosted, but I think I needed to come to terms with everything, instead of just doing something out of anger. Taking out the temptation to tell them everything, trying to connect with them as I am now and failing and feeling like I am slowly being rejected, was the right decision. I'll still be able to get the text messages they send, and I'll check in, when and if they ask, but I think polite distance is the best I can give them right now. Maybe one day I can count them as people I trust fully, who I don't feel like I have to hide parts of myself from or worry that because I don't believe in god the way they do that they'll always keep me at arms length. 

    Until then, I will set this boundary for myself and step forward, focusing on the here and who I am and who I want to be as a person. 

One day and one step at a time.

We can do this. 

    

New Years Check In

 Dear Wynter,

You are absolutely horrible about keeping up with this diary blog thing. I didn't even check when the last time I wrote was, but I'm guessing it was at least three months ago? God how time flies.

It is currently the middle of January, 2023. A lot has happened since I wrote last - the biggest two things are that we moved into an apartment (!) that we rent all on our own; Lj is here, too. The second thing is that two weeks after moving in we stepped off a curb and broke our leg. Not a terrible break, thank god, but bad enough to put us in a boot for six weeks. We were able to get a little scooter for work, and boy was that a lot of fun (no really, i kept almost drifting across that floors that thing went so fast). But we got on physical therapy a few weeks after, and pretty much by the end of december we were walking around with no trouble. It still feels weird to me that two months ago I wasn't able to walk and I was freaking out over it...

Hmm, what else... Ely came down to visit at the end of december. They actually leave this friday, which is kinda sad; I was getting used to having them and Lj around. It'll be quieter once Ely leaves, but I'm glad that they got to spend time with Lj. I mostly feel bad because a few days after Ely leaves I'm going to run back to Arkansas for a few days. 

We turn 28 next week, can you believe that? We've been around for nearly three decades. It really doesn't feel like it. I wish I could remember more of being younger. Not having a sense of the passage of time really gets frustrating after a while. Twenty - seven has dragged on for way too long.

I think part of that was that for most of last year I was off my meds. It messed with me a lot more than I expected it to, actually. I was depressed for several months and just sort of hit a breaking point in october. Freaked my mom out and set off a WHOLE chain reaction of people being upset and me almost deciding to cut contact with my family. I didn't though; I just took a few weeks of not talking to mom and then when I was less angry about the whole situation, I was able to reach out. I still mostly talk to dad now I think, but it'll be good to see everyone in person and say hi. And thankfully it's only for a few days, so I won't have to stay too long. Jo Ann may also not be there, so I don't have to smile and nod through an awkward birthday dinner. And I get to see Libby, so that'll be worth it i think.

I'm back on medication, though, have been for about two months now? It's been good, as far as I can tell. I don't feel like my life is entirely pointless anymore, and when I do, it only last for a few hours or maybe an evening. I gotta get back into letting myself cry again, or just being honest with Lj when I'm having a bad day. I think there's a part of me that's still a little dissatisfied with life as it currently is, but I think that has to do more with the concept of being a wage slave in a late-stage capitalistic nightmare. And in Texas.

Fuck Texas.

Things may change this year, we'll see. I'm hoping to be able to get back in to some hobbies this year. I've been trying to play more video games this week, and for the most part I've been successful. I gotta be careful though, because there are so many things I want to do during my downtime that I keep getting paralyzed and reverting back to the little apps on my phone or to Tiktok. It is much easier to get dopamine and serotonin that way when I'm exhausted. I should also be drinking more water, I've been dehydrated as FUCK this week. I keep oversleeping because of it.

At least it's my "weekend" again, so I can get some rest. We may or may not go to The Church tonight (after two years of living here, I'm FINALLY going to the goth nightclub). IT depends on how energetic everyone feels tonight, but since Ely seems pretty exhausted, we more than likely won't go. I should look up the DART schedules, just in case we do, though.

I think that's about all I have to think or write about today. I'm way too out of practice with writing nowadays. I hope that's something I can work on this year, get back into. And reading; I miss reading.

Random thoughts

 I have a hankering to write. At least I think I do.

Not really sure what I feel like writing about. So I'm just clicking through the tabs I've had open on my computer for the past 2 months. 

It's my day off today. I slept for most of it, but I didn't want to waste the rest of it. My brain is doing that thing again where it wants to be preoccupied with doing SOMETHING but nothing sounds interesting. I could probably read, that may be what I'm looking for. A story of sorts. Which sucks a bit, I was wanting to try to brainstorm or write little fanfic practices or something. 

I may pick one of my books - I got a few new ones a while ago that I put off for some reason. It is the perfect cloudy day to read, and I can make coffee and try out my new tea. I think that might be what I do then, just escape a little bit.

 Dear Wynter,

    Do you know what the worst the aspect of depression is? A lot of people would think that it's probably the sadness, but no, sadness is...empty. It's dull, more of a pang really, or a void of numbness. Sadness doesn't kill you, if you ask me. It's the loneliness.

    Being lonely hurts. 

    It singles you out of a crowd and wraps it's hands around your throat, suffocating you slowly. You watch everyone else go about their day, smiling and laughing and interacting, and all you can do is stand there in silence and choke. 

    It hides you, too, just enough for everyone to forget you're there. It starts out small - maybe you get a little overwhelmed in a conversation and your voice starts to falter, so you sit out for a little while, messing with your phone to kill your thoughts. Or maybe you want to say something, you try to say something, anything, hell you just want to voice your opinion. But no one really cares and they change the subject so that you can't get all the words out. Or worse, they just talk over you, your voice to soft to really be heard even though it sounds so loud in your ears, in your head, but the brushing off is louder, so you just let your voice trail off and bury yourself in a social media feed you exhausted 20 minutes ago. 

    And then loneliness drapes it's edges around you just so, and if you don't speak you aren't seen and if you can't be seen you are forgotten. 

    I think the loneliness came back. Not sure what started it, but i've felt it building up over the week. I think today was just the day it hit me that I was lonely again. I haven't really been interacting much with anyone. I swapped over to the bakery full time, and we all just sort of do our own thing and keep to ourselves, with the occasional nice chat. And then for the rest of the afternoon I'm on my own closing. I think I miss having that sense of kinship with the Lakewood crew. I don't really talk much during the day and everyone just sort of does whatever they want at the apartment. Lj has either been sleeping constantly or playing the new Horizon game obsessively, so I rarely actually talk to them. We had some friends recently move down here and they came over yesterday, but I just stayed on my phone not really able to talk. And then and then and then, Haley came over today to hang out with Lj. I stupidly invited myself along, because I really wanted milk tea but... I ended up taking Lj's switch and playing Breathe of the Wild and trying to pretend I wasn't there. I felt like an intruder. Which I'm trying not to let get to me - Haley is more of Lj's friend than mine, so I just really need to stop trying to insert myself there.

    I'm starting to realize that I don't really fit in here. With the Hendrix Sword Club group, I mean. I didn't really hang out with them regularly until I started dating Lj, and even then, I mostly hung out with Lj. I don't really...remember the closeness I had with this group. I think it disappeared when I left Hendrix. They all became close or formed new relationships with other people and I just....atrophied, stuck in a hell of my own design and now I'm trying so hard to reconnect and it just. Isn't happening.

    I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to make it go away. I don't think the loneliness ever will. I think that no matter what I do, I won't be able to form those relationships anymore. The ones I did have all changed when I wasn't looking, so. Probably no salvaging that. 

    I just. Want to be done with it all, I guess. If I'm going to be lonely, then just let me be alone, and let it not. hurt. I don't want to feel this bone deep wrongness every time I try to interact with humans. I just want it to stop. I want to pack everything up inmy car and just drive and drive and drive until no one can find me and then maybe. just maybe. I can find myself in all this loneliness.

All the Things I Should Have Told You Today and All the Things I Forgot

 Catherine,

    Gorgeous, gorgeous Catherine. Today's the day!  The day you officially became Mrs. Catherine Jensen. You looked beautiful and happy walking down that aisle, and my heart has been full of nothing but joy for you and your wonderful husband, so full that I cried on four separate occasions. I am so thankful that I got to be there today to see you begin this new chapter of your life with the man you adore, and who adores you so much in return. You have blessed my life so much for the past decade of our friendship.

    Can you believe that? A decade of friendship.

    When I first started at Conway Christian, I was nervous. There were maybe two people I knew in the entire school, and all of you had known each other since pre-k. I had no idea how I would make friends, or if I would even fit in. But our first day of choir together and oh girl could you sing and I was so jealous of those high notes that rang out clear as day. And you with me and Kaitlyn and Brittney during lunch and I remember we talked about all the anime we had watched and liked and I knew I was safe. I knew I had made a friend. But I hadn't realized just how much of a friend I had made.

    A few years had passed and Kayla had joined our group. It really wasn't junior and senior year that that friendship had really blossomed into what it is today. I remember late night drives out to no where, radio blaring and us laughing like we didn't have to be at school at 8 am the next day. I remember all of those Taco Bell and Sonic runs, loitering at Lake Beaverfork, sitting on the floor of the school cafeteria like it didn't matter how dirty the floor was or how everyone else stared - all that mattered was I had my two best friends with me and nothing would ever change that.

    I remember our first big fight - sneaking out in the middle of the night when we should have been celebrating you and the fact that you were brought into the world that day. I remember how I tried to be mad and after three days realizing what a complete ass I was for trying to justify my behavior. I remember meeting up afterwards and apologizing for being a horrible friend to you and how I wanted nothing more than to strive to be someone worthy of the title Best Friend. 

    I also remember college and even though we settled into different friend groups and Kayla went to a completely different school, we still made time to see each other almost weekly. We stayed late in the classrooms to study or just talk. I remember how I almost set your room on fire by stuffing 20 candles onto a cupcake and lighting every. single. one. I remember you telling me how there was a giant cockroach in Raney the day you moved in freshman year, and how you took a can of hairspray and a lighter to it. I remember after Hendrix, when the three of us decided to spend the night at your tiny UAMS apartment so we could dress up and have a photoshoot the next day and swapping our clothes because we loved each others' different styles so much. 

    More than anything, I remember that whenever I would ask for help or advice, you were always there to give it, with scripture and your compassion to back it up. I didn't always listen, and I know that that was absolutely infuriating. But every word and every bit of wisdom you gave me sat on my heart, no matter what my decision was in the end. You have always pushed me to become a better version of myself, have always showed me that no matter what I did, God cared and loved me. And I truly believe that He does, because He gave me you as a friend. 

    You are full of so much love to give and I am so thankful that I was able to receive so much of it for this long. To say we have become completely different people from who we were in junior high is a bit of an understatement; but despite that, I know that I will always be able to call you one of my dearest friends, no matter how far apart we drift or roam. I am so proud of you and the person you've become and the person you are going to become. Thank you so much for your friendship and I pray for nothing but happiness in the years to come. You are going to be an amazing wife and an amazing doctor!

    Always and forever your friend,

    Wynter

Checking In

 Dear Wynter,

    It's been a hectic few months - I kept meaning to write, but every time I thought to do it, I would be at work, and then usually exhausted by the time I got home. But, for once, I'm not incredibly exhausted and I'm waiting for the pasta to cook, so I figured I'd at least start a letter again. 2021 ended in a bit of a haze; work was demanding and insane, to say the least. I did get to go home and visit everyone for Christmas, which was nice. I ended up working new years eve, but I think I also might have been the only one home that night anyway. Lj's brother Ely came to stay with us for a while, which I think they enjoyed. Right up until we all got sick.

    That was pretty much the first two weeks of the New Year. Just coughing and coughing and coughing. We don't think it was the Plague (Covid, if you ever forget), but just a regular respiratory infection. Sammi was the only one who managed to avoid it, though it was quite obnoxious having to deal with her being anxious and harping on us constantly. It was definitely not a good place to be mentally for me. I think I actually started looking for a new apartment for a bit.

    Mm, now that I think back on it, I think there were a few weeks where I was really upset over where I was and wasn't sure I wanted to keep working at the coffee shop. THAT was an entire thing. The long and short of it is that a whole bunch of people started leaving because they got angry at management and I think were honestly just looking for a reason to quit. So, a lot of people have been getting switched around at the shops and stuff. I contemplated leaving too, and trying to get a job in my field, but I ended up sticking it out - I'm really glad I did. I get to start working in the bakery now! My first shift was yesterday, actually. I reallllly liked it. I would be busy the whole time, but not in the way that would make me anxious like at Lakewood. I can listen to music or podcasts while I work as well. And, once I get used to doing all the closing tasks/cleaning, I'll get to close by myself. It's a bit daunting, but I think I can do it. And for now, it's just twice a week, tuesday and thursdays. 

    In relation to all of this, I had an interesting self discovery - I thought at first I was unhappy with my entire situation of being here in Dallas. I hate how far I live from work, cuz the commute sucks absolute ass, and I still feel stuck at work, I guess. Like, I sure, it's cool making coffee, but I dunno if I wanted to actually do anything with it. The cafe idea kind of took a back burner and all that. But, I was talking with Lj about it the other week and realized that it wasn't actually the entire situation I was upset over. It was honestly just the living situation. Sure, I like living with Sammi and Jacob, but I really just hate the location and how cramped everything is. It's too far away from work and I just don't feel like there's enough room for me and Lj to be sharing the space we do. I wanted my own place by now. And hopefully in the next year or so, we can actually get that. 

    But the important part was that I wasn't sure what was really making me want to jump ship, and figuring out that it was just the living arrangement kind of helped me ease out of that funk I was in. This isn't forever. I won't be stuck here in a place I find boring. I can move out when I have the ability to and then I can have the apartment that I want, and maybe even the dog I want so badly. Sure, it isn't Colorado or the mountains in general, but I don't have to be there yet. I'll get to the place I want or need to be in due time. Speaking of, Brandon and his fiancee are moving out here next month! So, we are one step possibly closer to opening that cafe/bar he wants to open. Which, of course, meakes me wonder if the universe is falling in to place for me to go that route. I won't lie - working at the bakery has somewhat reignited that cafe dream of mine. Though it may move towards a more...bar like implementation. Which I don't  mind! I think an adventurer/dnd style bar sounds absolutely fantastic!

    So I guess that's where we are in terms of work and living with other people. Oh, I actually remembered another thing. I'm not really sure where Lj and I are at again. When we were talking last week, Xe mentioned how their future plans tend to not involve me. And I know it's because I am so wishywashy on what I want to do myself. I don't blame them for it. But I don't really know what that means for our relationship, honestly. Should I just go ahead and move out on my own then? I think I could do it, honestly. It would suck, but I don't know. I don't want to at the moment, since I'm trying to help out with rent and stuff. But, maybe in November when the lease is up and if Lj is able to stand on their own money-wise? For now, it's an issue that can be shelved. There's too much else I want to actually focus on.

    Catherine is getting married this weekend. I don't really believe it, if I'm honest with myself. Honestly, everything that happens back home has this...distant quality to it. Like, it really should affect me, but it's like a completely different planet where I have this whole life I've left behind me. My two best friends in the whole world are almost strangers now. We aren't the great trio we used to be anymore. They have their significant others, Kayla has a kid, I wouldn't honestly be surprised if Catherine has one in the next few years or so. But lives like that are so...alien. I know it's normal, to get married and have kids and have your social circle reduce to those things. I really hate that, if I'm honest. It's probably just because it feels as though I'm not part of their lives anymore, and I just hate that feeling. But, I want to be a good friend in the ways that I can. I'll go back this weekend, I'll get dolled up and smile and laugh and try to interact with this group of strangers and act the part of the best friend. And it might hurt, but it's one of my best friends' weddings and if I can be present in this part of their life, even for just a few hours, then I want to be. It has to count for something. 

    On a much less depressing note, I get to see the fam for a few days. Nathan is excited, of course, it's been a few months and all. I still have to pack tonight, so I don't have to waste time tomorrow night after work. I should do that soon. Sammi wants to watch 911, so I'll do it afterwards. Not excited for the process that that is going to be though... 

    Mm, thought of another post I want to write, so I'm going to switch over to that now. It hopefully won't be a long one, just a bit of introspection, if possible. I want to see if My Lady has any guidance or words for me as well.

 Dear Wynter,

    It's been quite a few days. I've been super busy at work and haven't really been awake enough when i've come home to do any thinking, let alone writing. In fact, I think I didn't eat dinner one of those nights - just plopped into bed and watched tiktoks til i passed out. Anyway, today was my day off, which has been much needed, I think. Lj had therapy today, so it got me thinking that I should also do some work. I had a really funny moment earlier today too, when I was trying to figure out what to write about.

    I'm a Christopagan, so I currently have both Yeshua and Persephone as my two main deities that I talk to. Persephone is the goddess I chose to work with for shadow work things, so I was asking her if she had any advice on where I should start with journaling. I use tarot cards to commune with her and Yeshua, because it's easier for me to get an answer I understand that way, and I drew the Moon reversed. Turns out, that specific card is about dealing with your emotions and listening to your inner voice, etc. So I looked up at Persephone's candle and was just like, "ma'am are you telling me to figure this out myself?" and then the flame of her candle, which is always super steady, started to waver back and forth. My next words were, "ma'am, are you laughing at me!?". I dunno, I just found it to be a really nice interaction with Lady Persephone. She parted with a reminder to actually sit down and journal, and not just say I was gonna journal and then let myself get distracted (because of course, my roommate comes home 5 minutes later and asks if i want to watch our 9-1-1 show). 

    I think that overall today has been a good day. I even sang disney songs when Sammi and I made dinner. It was nice to sing again and just let loose and be a little weird.

    There's an old tumblr post i always remember every time i start singing along to things - about how the person writing the post tends to sing when they're happy or in a good mood, but because of depression and stuff, they stopped singing. But then when they felt better, they would sing more often and it was a sign to the people they cared about that they were in a good place mentally. I think that I'm the same way. I love to act silly and be weird and sing - i used to actually have "concerts" when i was younger, where I would put my headphones in and lip sing to songs, usually creating a full narrative of what i would be doing on a stage. And it was just always so much fun. I think i stopped doing it in college when my roommate walked in on me and was sort of freaked out and i got really embarrassed. I think there are also just...fewer moments when i have time to feel that free. It makes me miss Catherine and Kayla and getting to go on 3am driving adventures.

    Speaking of them, Catherine actually gave me a call  yesterday while I was dyeing my hair. It was just a spur of the moment thing, but it was really good to hear from her. I didn't bring up the whole thing where i was mad at her and all that, but we did talk about how much distance had accumulated in our friendship. I even told her about something my mom had said over thanksgiving that had really hurt me. My mom had said that the reason Catherine and Kayla were putting that distance between us was probably because they felt embarrassed by me, with the way I dress ('like a slut' according to my mom) and the things I post about online that are leftist politically. I know it was just her usual thing of assigning her thoughts to other people, because why on earth wouldn't everyone think like her and the rest of my conservative family, but it still hurt my heart to think that she might be right. So I told Catherine, and she reassured me that that wasn't true. Which I think was something I needed to hear. It was good to hear.

    I think that may be why I'm in such a good mood today. I made sure to think Yeshua for sending Catherine my way yesterday. I'm pretty sure they had something to do with it, after all. :) 

    Hmm, I also made some fresh pomegranate syrup to give to Lady Persephone, and it looks beautiful. I hope she enjoys the tribute. 

    It's getting late, and I do have work tomorrow, so I'm going to turn in for the night.

    Until next time.